Friday, September 10, 2010

a love like this

a mother's love is indescribable. the only way for anyone to understand is to actually be a mother. think you love your parents? nothing like loving your child. think your love for your significant other is stronger than any other love? nope, nothing like loving your child. it's something entirely different. and a mother's love shines through anytime that their child is in harm's way.

we have been very blessed during these last eight months because we've had an extremely healthy child. we've only had a few things happen. right after she was born she had a few episodes where she stopped breathing, but they monitored her and she grew out of it. it's never happened again. (but believe me, it was scary!) she had a three day stay in the NICU at a week old to treat her jaundice. no biggie. right after learning to crawl she crawled right off the side of the bed. hardly phased her but scared me to death, so that earned her her first ER trip. we've had a few battles with diaper rash, and we're in an ongoing war with reflux. now trust me, that's not a lot. (knock on wood) we've had no earaches, no teething problems, despite having two teeth already, no viruses, no stomach bugs, no food allergies, nothing. pretty healthy i tell ya. but last night, i thought that all changed. i thought i had lost my little girl.

when baby butterbean was about four months old we started letting her put herself to sleep. we would bathe her, give her a bottle and then lay her down in her cradle. we only had a problem the first two nights, then on the third night it was almost like something clicked. she knew it was time to go to sleep. then around 6 1/2 months we moved her into her crib. I thought for sure we'd have a problem, but she transitioned beautifully. that is, until about two weeks ago. we would go in, lay her down, turn her night light and her music box on, and as soon as we'd make it into the other room, she'd be up playing. so, we'd go back in, tell her that it was "night night time" and lay her back down. this would happen an average of 3-4 times a night before she'd finally pass out. so we started leaving her door open and going in to check if she was up. well, last night was no different. we laid her down and then the hubby went out to fix a fence that was down and I went in to clean the kitchen. after checking on baby butterbean twice, it finally got quiet and i decided to go in and check on her one last time. i turned the hallway light on as i went in and i could see her outline in the corner of the crib. as i got closer i saw that she was slumped over and it looked like she wasn't breathing. i'm guessing that she was sitting up and playing and just fell asleep while sitting up. i picked her up quickly and checked her over. she was fine. she whined a little and stuck her thumb in her mouth and went right back to sleep, so i gave her her blankie and laid her back down. and then i lost it. i slumped down on the floor of her room and sobbed hysterically. thoughts raced through my mind what could have happened. the faster they raced, the harder i cried. then, to make matters worse, the hubby came in and heard this. he rushed into her room and jerked her up so fast that I cannot believe he didn't wake her. after making sure she was ok, he picked me up and carried me out of the room and then wanted to know what happened.

i didn't stop crying last night. i ended up crying myself to sleep. i couldn't stop thinking about what might have been.

i have no doubt in my mind that she has a guardian angel looking over her. and after what happened, when she started crying at 5 this morning, i had no problem bringing her back to my bed and snuggling up with her. and as of this morning, i have a further understanding of just how strong my love is for her.


Melly said...

Awww, that's so sweet. You're a good mommy!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

OMG, that made my heart stop. I had my crying uncontrollably moment when my daughter was still an infant. She was just starting on solids and wasn't sleeping through the night. I thought I was being smart and loaded her up just before bed. I smelled something pretty awful and knew she needed to be changed...perfect, she'll have a dry diaper and I'll put her to bed. On my way to her changing table, she threw up and it was everywhere. All over me, her, her room, her table. AND I still had that dirty diaper to deal with.
I totally lost it. Like I had done this to HER.

We Mommies need to stick together. Its the only way to stay sane.

And why didn't I believe all the other mommies that told me I would never be the same? It's amazing what these little people do to us.

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