Monday, October 18, 2010

forgiving myself: day three of the truths

day three: something you have to forgive yourself for 

for all of my truths go here

i really hope that i don't have this much trouble with all of these prompts. i spent all weekend trying to find something that i need to forgive myself for. for the most part, i like to think that i don't regret any decision that i've made in the 25 years i've been on this earth. i've tried my best to be a good person, to treat others with respect and kindness, to be compassionate, to care for animals, to stick up for those who needed it. pretty much live the way a person should. 

but there is one thing that i've always had trouble letting go of. something i've held against myself for 6 years. mom, if you're reading, now's the time to stop. otherwise you're going to cry.

now, this may sound silly, as most of my these things do to others, but it really has eaten away at me since it happened.

when i was a sophomore in high school i got a puppy from a friend. he was tiny and cute. he was black and white, and sort of terrier looking. i named him cooder. yes, i'm a redneck. anyvajazzle, i loved him very much. after high school i moved to a little town about 30 minutes away because i was dating someone from there. that was a stupid decision on it's own, seeing as how we dated for only a month before i decided to move there, but that's a whole other story. after i'd been in this new town for a little while, i decided for certain reasons, that i needed to go get my dog. so, i went and picked him up from my mother's house, and he moved with me. i took him everywhere with me. he slept in the bed with me and he went to work with me. this lasted for a few weeks. then, one night, the douche that i was dating said he wanted to actually go out somewhere as a couple, and i knew i couldn't leave cooder in the house on his own. i let him outside when we left. when we came home he was gone. the guy later found him down the road. he'd been run over. he was headed in the direction that we'd left in. i still wonder what cooder was thinking. did he think i had abandoned him? was he coming to find me? i can't help but think about how scared he must have been. how alone he felt, and what it was like to be running down the highway after the person that he wanted to be with the most. i feel like i let him down. and i know that it hurt my mother badly. i didn't know at the time how much she loved him. i still think today that she holds this against me a little bit. i think that simple incident shaped who i've become today. 

i hate thinking about what happened that night. even now, six years later, i'm crying as i write this. i can't promise that i'm going to forgive myself for this, but i can say that i'm going to work on it, right?

are you holding on to something? what do you need to forgive yourself for?

3 comments:

mylittlebecky said...

awwww, hugs, lady. that's a hard thing to blame yourself for, i hope you can say you learned from it at least and sometimes that's the most important thing. you would never have intentionally hurt him.

B said...

(((HUGS)))

I'm sorry :( It wasn't your fault, though.

Butterbean said...

i love y'all for being such good friends!!

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