Tuesday, October 19, 2010

the truths: day four

day four: something you have to forgive someone for

i have to be truthful, i sat for a long time in front of the computer trying to think of someone that i needed to forgive. i thought of ex boyfriends, ex friends, and even family members. and finally it hit me. i needed to forgive my grandfather. and then i cried. 

i cried because my grandfather died last year, and i still have so much anger built up toward him.

before his funeral, my cousins and i were going through old photos and pulling out certain ones to put into a slide show. we wanted to make sure and include the pictures of him and his children, as well as him and his grandchildren and great grandchildren. it broke my heart when i realized that there wasn't a single picture of he and i. i couldn't remember ever having a good relationship with him, and this made me realize that i was right. i feel that for some reason, he didn't see me as his granddaughter, for some reason, he didn't love me. this feeling had always sat in the back of my mind, but i'd never wanted to accept it as the truth. 

when i found out that i was pregnant with baby butterbean, i thought that maybe she was the key to building a better relationship with him. but, he never got to meet her. he died 24 days before she was born. three days shy of christmas. 

i was so angry with him. i felt like he just gave up. i expected him to fight for life, to hold on just a bit longer. all of my family was heartbroken, my grandmother especially, and i felt that it was his fault. i also felt, that in some way, this was a stab at me. that maybe, in truth, he never wanted to meet baby butterbean. i know that is crazy, but i couldn't help it. i fully believe that the course our lives take is already determined, but for some reason, i felt that my grandfather could have prevented his death. 

since his death, i've prayed many times asking God why he chose that time to take my grandfather from us. the only thing that i think of is that maybe my grandfather needed to be somewhere where he could watch over baby butterbean and keep her from harms way. that maybe he is her guardian angel.

i wish that before he died i could have told him that i loved him, even though he didn't think i did. i wish i could have had just one last talk with him. 

but since i can't talk to him face to face, i have to pray that somewhere, somehow, he can hear me.


i love and miss you very much. life just isn't the same without you here. it's almost time to put up the christmas decorations, and i know that it's going to be hard to do it without you around. i know how much you loved this time of year. i wish we could have had a better relationship. i wish that i knew if i ever made you proud. that's all i ever wanted to do.

thanks for watching over your great granddaughter. i'm sure that you know that she has your bright blue eyes. i tell her stories about you almost every day.

i forgive you Pa, and i hope that if i ever disappointed you, that you can forgive me too.


Melissa (A Gracious Calm) said...

Sorry to hear this. I sometimes have a hard time with the fact that when my gram passed away I hadn't seen her in probably a week or more. She had been in the hospital for nearly two months and it was so hard to see her like that. I feel like I was selfish and should have gone to see her.

Butterbean said...

::hugs:: people get caught up in their daily lives and lose track of time, and then regret it later. trust me, it happens to all of us.

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