Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

The topic has been going around the blogosphere for a little while now, but yesterday, when I read Mackenzie's and Meg's lists about what they're afraid to tell their readers, I knew I wanted to join in! The point of this is to make our readers see that we aren't perfect, not that I assumed y'all think I am! There are so many bloggers who seem to have the perfect life where nothing ever goes wrong or falls out of place. My life is nothing like that. Hence, the name of my blog. I've written a little before about the reality that is my life, but I've never gone into detail, because I've been too scared to write about it. So, today I'm biting the bit, and going for it. Here's what I'm afraid to tell you.

I struggle with just how much information I should share with my readers.
I'm terrified of someone coming across my blog, and for one reason or another, decide to track my family and I down. I mean, let's be honest, it's not that hard in today's world. But, I like sharing my life with y'all. My blog gives me a place where I can open up and express my feelings, and you guys are there to offer great advice, or just listen. But, there's always that voice in the back of my mind that keeps nagging about a crazy stalker finding my home. So, I find myself debating on what I should and shouldn't write about.

I constantly worry about never achieving anything great in my life.
This is something I've struggled with my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I have worked my tail off to make others proud of me. And even though I know I have made wonderful achievements in my life, it's still not enough, and I'm not sure it will ever be. This is why I push so hard when it comes to my event planning company. I want it to be a huge success. Not for monetary reasons, but simply for the knowledge that it is an achievement. 

I think my child is the cutest child ever. Yes, that means I think she's cuter than yours.
I'm not saying I don't think other children are adorable, but, in my opinion, mine is much more adorable. There will never be another child as beautiful as mine. Although, I would never say that aloud to anyone.

Speaking of children, I don't want anymore. I'm done, finished, stick a fork in me.
I don't think I've talked about this before, but the reason that I only want one child is because I know, without a doubt in my mind, that I will never love another child as much as I love M. Now, when I've told people this, they've rolled their eyes and said that I think that now, but once a second one came along, it wouldn't be true. But I know it would be. See, I wanted three kids, but the minute they laid M in my arms, I knew that was it. My love for her filled my heart, and there was no more room for any other children. I would never want a child of mine to feel like I loved their sibling more than I loved them, so I'm sticking with one.

My marriage has almost fallen apart.
B and I are not perfect. We fight like cats and dogs, and we always have. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else (aside from M, that's a different type of love), but at the same time, there have been times when I have hated him with the strength of a thousand horses. Whatever that means. There have been a few times when I have walked out. There have been a few times when he has done the same. It has gotten so bad, there have been a couple of times where I actually thought about divorcing him. But I've always come back. The good times always outweigh the bad. He is the love of my life, and always will be. Even during the times that I absolutely hate him, I still love him.

I have suffered from depression.
This is a big one for me. Obviously it's nothing to be ashamed of, because it's quite common, but I can't help but be embarrassed. I like to be in control of things, my life included, and when I'm depressed, I have no control over myself. I get lazy, exhausted, emotional, and temperamental. Thankfully I have never been in a severe depression, but I know that based on my family's history with it, there's always a chance.

I am a Republican, and didn't vote for our current president.
I have never been one to bash someone else for their beliefs, I'm a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. You love our current president? That's fine with me, however, I don't. I don't feel that he's made any big changes like he promised, and I feel like it's time to stop blaming the previous president. With that being said, I wasn't too crazy about our previous president, and I'm not too crazy about the Republican nominee for this year. Bottom line, I really don't care what political party you belong to, and it shouldn't be a big difference what political party I belong to. What matters is what type of person you are. And, even though I'm a Republican, I still support same sex marriage and Planned Parenthood.

So, there you have it. There are the main things I'm afraid to tell y'all. To some they may not seem that major, but they are to me. Hopefully y'all still love me! If you do a post like this, please let me know, I'd love to read it!

What are you afraid to tell us?



Melissa said...

I don't think I would affiliate myself with a party - I don't really trust politicians, regardless of what party they are. ;)

You're one awesome chick J, don't forget that.

English Anderson said...

Thank you for being honest! I think the reality of it is, no matter how ashamed we are of our own personal problems, no one judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves. I'm sure your readers relate to you better now, and are even nodding their heads on one or two points. This is a brave, great way to open yourself up. We appreciate it!

Miss Oakley @ Observations by Miss Oakley said...

Thanks for sharing. I too have been blessed with depression and my life isn't perfect. Politically we are different. However, it's like you said...it's all about the person you are. Plus it's always good to get another persons perspective.

Sarah said...

Wow. This is so me that I could have wrote (except I didn't - you did!!)

"I constantly worry about never achieving anything great in my life."

That is my all consuming number one fear I think.

Excellent post!!


Jessica Renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jessica Renee said...

LOVE this post! You are much braver than I am - I'm too chicken to be so honest on my blog! :/ But crazy enough, I am with you on every single thing you just said! The achievements, the one kid thing, the relationship, the depression. It's kinda crazy how alike we are! And even if I differ from you politically, who cares? I'm so done with people bashing others for their beliefs too!

Lucy McCracken said...

This is really a refreshing post. I know what you mean about wondering in the back of your head if some weird stalker will come after you and your family, I worry about that too. Therefore I'm a bit careful on what I blog about. Great post and it's been great to meet you like this. I'm your new follower from

tara said...

this --> I struggle with just how much information I should share with my readers.

i feel like i wrote that paragraph myself. that is why my blog posts are very rarely personal! maybe i'm being too paranoid. i dunno.

Janice@GypsyFarmGirl said...

I can agree with you on several points...I was never good enough for my dad, so I deal with feeling inadequate. I worry about what to share online and after some recent events in our life, I am even more guarded about what I share.

Tiffany @ Blabbering Thoughts said...

This is pretty awesome girl. Up front, straight up.. Honesty. I like it. Those who portray that perfect life always seem to be the ones that have the most messed up lives. Trust me, I've been there. Now. Crap I would rather punch Chris 8 times a day because he pisses me off or I am a royal B & I am not afraid to let people see that. Because that means we're real, we're human. Nothing can be SUPER all the time. As for how much you share.. I was afraid someone would steal my identity or child's but never stalk me.. Now you freaked me out lol. Depression, I am proud of you for getting out there & stating that. This post... I am proud of you & love you even more. Inspires me to do something of the sort!

Emily said...

we will be part of the one and done club on kids as well - no judgies here, and me and B have def had some knock down drag out fights - you are totally normal! = )

Micah said...

I meant to comment yesterday and forgot to come back. I wanted to say I appreciate the respectful way you expressed your political take. I completely understand disappointment in our current president, but some take that disappointment and make it personal. You didn't. You didn't attack him as a person but rather expressed why you are upset with the job he's done. Thank you for that.

I also struggle with how much to share on my blog. I want to be the real me without giving away too much. I also fear people wouldn't like me as much if they knew everything about me -- that stuff is reserved only for the people I know already love me. You know what I mean?

Amber said...

This is sooo refreshing to read! There are so many things I'm afraid to talk about, so instead I do link-ups or silly posts instead of real, raw posts. I would love to do a similar post!

LWLH said...

I can completely relate to 'Never Achieving Anything Great In Life'.

I struggle with this constantly and hope I don't end up being that person who is stuck in life never really living it.

I would love to do a post like this. I've shared a few deeply personal things on here (abuse etc.) but there's alot more behind this Little Woman than what people think.

B said...

Just getting a chance to catch up on posts, but I LOVE this one :) I feel similarly about all of these things - and appreciate your honesty. I still love you :)

Lissy Moore said...

I love your honesty. I struggle with what to even write about on my blog and how much to "reveal". btw, no marriage is perfect. All relationships go thorugh sh*t, but REAL relationships get through sh*t :)

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